


Death (You) Wish

by rosemarygreen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gallows Humor, Gen, black humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 19:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11607897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarygreen/pseuds/rosemarygreen
Summary: With their history of repeated deaths and resurrections and angels and demons watching over them, the Winchester brothers are as good as immortal. One day they grow tired of cheating death and begin to chase it.





	Death (You) Wish

**Author's Note:**

> The fanfic was originally written in 2012. The brothers’ immortality is my head canon (though it has been implied in the show too, I believe). If the topic triggers you, don't read it. This story is meant to be optimistic, in the end :).

******

“Hey,” said Dean, patting a sleeping werewolf. “I’m here. Wake up and get me.”

The werewolf blinked its pale eyes lazily, arched its furry back under Dean’s hand and made a pleased growl.

“I don’t think it’s hungry, Dean,” said Sam.

 

******

“Damn,” rasped Sam, rubbing his bruised thigh.

The rope tied to the metal bar above his head dangled free, its tendrils astray.

“Shouldn’t have worked out so much, Muscle Man,” said Dean with a grin.

 

******

“Dean, what if we find a less fanged animal than this lion you’re teasing?” said Sam, cautiously leaning against the zoo cage.

“You’re a chicken, Sammy. Relax, it can’t be worse that a hellhound,” grinned Dean.

“You’re so selfish, brother,” twitched Sam.

 

******

“Please, Dean, all it takes is one step forward. Close your eyes and do it,” said Sam, standing on the edge of a skyscraper. “Give me your hand.”

“I _can’t_.”

“Come on, Dean, what are you afraid of, pain?” 

“Flying, Sam, flying.”

 

******

“Move it, baby, move”, urged Dean, pressing his foot into the gas pedal.

The Impala was parked on the edge of a steep cliff, her front wheels balancing on the crunchy gravel.

“She’s not stupid, Dean,” said Sam, a hint of laughter in his voice. “She wouldn’t budge. She loves you too much to let you die.”

“Sam, what’s there to love me for? I treated her rough, made her work overtime. I practically ruined her a couple of times.”

_“Suus rex reginae placet.”_

“What?”

“She’s a one man’s woman.”

 

******

“All right, let’s do it,” said Dean, a sharp knife in his hand.

“Try femoral artery,” said Sam sympathetically.

_Two hours later_

“Hey, college boy, it keeps scabbing over. Is there a better place to cut?”

“Your blood must be too thick. Have you been eating a lot of fast food lately?”

“I’ve been eating a lot of fast food since I was a _kid_.”

“Tough.”

 

******

“Dean, what are you doing here sitting on the beach?” asked Sam, eyes squinting in the sun.

“Waiting for some of these kids to start drowning.”

“What?”

“I’ll come to their rescue and hopefully kill myself in the process,” said Dean, a grim look on his face.

“Dean, we’re in California," said Sam, rolling his eyes. "Kids here learn to swim before they can walk. Let’s get out of here before their parents think we’re child molesters and call the police.”

 

******

“Back off, Sam, this fridge is too small for the two of us,” stuttered Dean, wrestling with the door to snap it shut.

“Dean, if you really want to freeze yourself to death, you should try Alaska or Canada.”

 

******

“Dean, what if we travel back in time and…” murmured Sam, an evil gleam in his eyes.

“What, and make Mom marry another guy?.. NO, we’re NOT killing her, you freak,” shouted Dean.

 

******

“Shut up, Sam, I’m trying to starve myself here,” said Dean, gulping down his saliva and gripping the wheel of the Impala.

“I bet you’re gonna have something to eat in less than 3 hours,” teased Sam.

“What’s your bet?”

“If I win – you let me listen to alternative rock stations all day long while we’re driving.”

“If _I_ win?”

“Man, if you do, you’ll be dead. Really, you should try this cheeseburger. It’s delicious. Death loves junk food, you know?”

_Two hours later_

“Damn it, Sam, your whiny anemic crap of a music is killing me.”

_“At last?”_

 

******

“Neither morphine nor arsenic seem to work on you, Dean,” said Sam reflectively, checking his wristwatch.

“Remember that time you drank the Phoenix’s ashes? I think it makes you death-proof. But why doesn’t it affect me?”

“Your demon blood protects you, you sucker,” chuckled Dean.

 

******

“Cas, you’ve got to help us,” demanded Dean loudly into his cell phone.

“It’s not within my powers to do so,” sighed the angel. “You probably noticed I’m in the same shoes.”

 

******

“Gabriel! The Trickster! Do you hear me, son of a bitch? Bring us back to the Mystery Spot. That Asia song was _to die for_ ,” shouted Dean into the dark sky.

“Shhh, Dean, he must be busy frolicking with hot chicks in the clouds,” warned Sam.

 

******

“Ash sent me an e-mail saying access to our Heaven is blocked,” said Sam gloomily, frowning at the computer screen. “A notice on the door says “Permanently closed for renovation”. No luck cracking the code so far.”

“How about we go there and just pick the lock?”

 

******

Heaven’s Door

“No, Dean. God has told you to back off and he’s not accepting visitors, even angels,” an elderly seraph said.

“Oh, come on, I used to be an archangel’s vessel.”

“Show your wings.”

“Seriously? Sammy, come over here and flip your gorgeous locks for a doubting Thomas.”

_“Peter.”_

“Whatever.”

 

******

Crossroads

“Mr. Winchester, I’m afraid all positions of torturers in Hell are closed so far. Try next century,” a demon in a dapper suit said.

“I’ve got excellent references.”

“I’m very sorry, but King of Hell thinks you’re overqualified for the job.”

 

******

“So,” said Sam.

“So,” said Dean.

“Angels won’t help us.”

“Nope.”

“Monsters won’t kill us.”

“Yup.”

“You know what else we could do?”

“What?”

“Go after them. They’ll _have_ to kill us defending their lives.”

“That means… going back to hunting?”

“Guess we have no choice.”

 

*****

Meanwhile in Heaven...

“Good luck,” said the angels.

“Good luck,” smirked the demons.

“Good look,” smiled God.

**Author's Note:**

> "Suus rex reginae placet" is a Latin proverb meaning, literally, "The queen likes her (own) king".


End file.
